Sunday, July 31, 2005

the calm before the storm

Tomorrow it will be a week since I learned I was pregnant. I am still having a hard time getting over the initial shock. I am so grateful to be in this moment, but I am also nervous. I am afraid to allow myself to get too excited for fear everything could come crashing down at any moment. I know it is very early but I told a handful of people. I was just excited last week and I could not help it. Everyone was so happy for me and it became pretty clear they have been waiting for this for a long time. I feel like that puts the pressure on even more to be nervous about stuff going wrong.

As of right now physically I feel- well, I feel absolutely fine. I might be eating my words in a couple of weeks. If I did not have the 5 positive tests lined up in the bathroom I do not know if I would believe I was pregnant. Sore boobs is about the only thing I really feel. I get tired in the afternoons but I have always been a big napper so I am used to feeling like I want to go to sleep around 3 o'clock. Just a bit hard to do that at work. In the upcoming weeks I have a feeling I will be looking for a corner to curl up in where no one can find me sleeping.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

dazed and confused, part 2

The ultrasound was today. I went alone, because my husband had a meeting that he could not miss. I did not really expect to see too much anyway. I actually for some reason did not think it was going to be a vaginal ultrasound. I was wrong, so I had another encounter with the magic wand. In it went, and I saw the sac immediately. And the other sac. Yes, there are 2 sacs.

For the second time in 4 days I was pretty much sent into a state of shock. I did not cry, I think I kinda laughed. The nurse practitioner must think I am a total goofball. I do not know what to say- I am floored. stunned. Completely unable to grasp the fact it is real. She said the Clomid does not stay in your system, but I swear I do not believe it- twins do not run on either side of the family. It is still so early, I am not even 5 weeks. I have another ultrasound next week. Hopefully by the time I post tomorrow I will have returned to earth.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

dazed and confused

I do not even really know where to begin with this post. Probably because I am indeed a little dazed and confused. Apparently, I am also pregnant. And I cannot quite figure out what to do with this information.

It kind of began Friday night. I wrote the post about trying to get things in order for IVF. I promised myself I would have a new attitude. I picked up my birth control pills Friday night from the pharmacy so I would have them when my period started. I waited for it to start- Saturday came and went, Sunday came and went. I did not mention to my husband that I was slightly late b/c I did not want him to get his hopes up and be disappointed when my period started. Sunday night, with boobs aching as I tried to sleep I thought to myself "what if?". But I quickly pushed that thought out of my head, following up with "yeah, right, you are DREAMING".

I woke up Monday morning, running late as usual. Part of me wanted to take the one test I had in my closet but part of me did not want to see that one line. But I figured "it is what it is, it is not going to change anything to test so I might as well know". So I peed on the stick. And I immediately got in the shower because I did not have the time to waste waiting for it to read. My husband was still asleep and did not know I was testing. In the shower I thought "what if- how would I tell him? Will I wake him up slowly and announce it?" Once again I thought "you idiot, it is NOT going to be positive". I got out of the shower. I walked over to the sink. I looked down (close, because I did not have my contacts in). And there it was- the never-before-seen-second line.

I pretty much freaked. I think I went into shock for a second. I busted out of the bathroom, I think I was completely naked but I do not remember and I started screaming and crying, and my husband woke up confused, but I showed him the test and he was yelling too. I was so excited but I immediately had to start getting ready for work because I was already late. I was completely out of sorts, I could not remember my morning routine- "do I put on make-up? lotion? I don't know!"

It is still so early- I now anything could happen. My RE is still going to follow me even though it was a natural cycle - my beta Monday was 1300 and today it was 3400. I was not taking vitamins this month because I had absolutely no expectation of getting pregnant. I drank many a cocktail at the beach last weekend. If all goes well I guess that will be the last one I have for awhile. It definitely does not feel real. Ultrasound tomorrow. I will keep you posted.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Another week

I am amazed that it is already July 22nd. I cannot believe the summer is more then halfway over. I also cannot believe I will be starting IVF in a few weeks. I am scheduled to start a cycle that begins September 2nd. I am currently waiting to start my period so I can start the pill. Today was day 28 and I am surprised I did not start but I am probably a little off after the clomid. I am usually like clockwork but I have no doubt it is coming- I am sure it will show up tomorrow to make for a fun weekend. I have been trying to get some things in order- phone calls to the insurance companies, etc. My husband's insurance will pay for a portion of IVf but most of the money will be gone after the first cycle. I have my own insurance which has no benefit for infertility so there is a lot of red tape involved with bypassing my insurance. Nothing I love to do more on my time off than sit on the phone with insurance companies.

I also decided to go part time at my job at the end of August. That was a really hard decision. I have always worked full time and want to continue working full time but I thought going part time would allow more flexibility for appointments, monitoring, etc. I just want to do everything possible to decrease stress for this process. Funny that I am going part time now when I could use the money the most. I made my first acupuncture appointment for next week. My RE really stresses eating well which I am trying to be better about. I would love to lose 10 pounds before all of this begins. I am so nervous about the IVF and I feel like my life is in a holding pattern between now and September. Part of me would like to get excited about it but I cannot allow myself to get excited for fear of massive disappointment.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I hope I do not regret this

After yesterday morning's ruination of my happy mood I was feeling pretty bitter. I was pissed at my co-worker and I was pissed at her daughter (Jen) who was "afraid" to tell me about her sister's pregnancy. I was also pissed at a handful of mutual friends that her daughter and I share who also could have told me about this pregnancy but probably did not for the same reason. It bugs the crap out of me that all of my friends are walking on eggshells around me. I do not even know what I really expect out of these people- I guess they are doing it to be considerate, and then it pisses me off even more. I am just really hard to please. I ended up writing Jen a semi-cold email informing her that I knew about the pregnancy and there was no reason to feel awkward. As of last night I promised myself I would not discuss even one topic related to pregnancy with anyone except my husband (oh, and all of you of course) b/c none of them understand and why should I have to answer their questions and why should they be a part of my disappointment and I am evil and rambling so I will stop now. My poor friends.

So anyway, I run into co-worker grandmother-to-be at work again today and she said "I talked to Laura and she is praying for you". I guess suddenly the prayers of pregnant women will solve my problems. Actually, I take that back, for some reason her saying this made me feel better.
These people actually do care about me and deep down I know that. In the meantime I get a response to my email which was very nice. She had some encouraging words, admitted she could not give advice and offered to listen if I just wanted to talk. So I began to feel a warm fuzziness that melted my ice cold heart and caused me to break down and talk to 2 different friends tonight about the possibility of IVF, although I did not give any specifics about when it would be starting (September) or that it was definite even though in my mind it pretty much is.
I just hope 2 months from now I do not wind up wishing I never said anything.

Otherwise I am getting a nice eruption of zits on my chin and my pants are tight because I am eating non-stop. Cycle day 28 is just 4 days away. Like clockwork 28 is the magic number. Let the countdown begin........

Monday, July 18, 2005

It was good while it lasted

Well, I am back from vacation. I have to say it was an excellent time. Good weather, slept late, sat on the beach everyday, read a book, saw a movie, went to the boardwalk, rode the roller coaster and ferris wheel, played mini golf, ate soft serve ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, and did any other cheesy beachy activity you can imagine. But I had fun, and b/c I am in the middle of a "natural" cycle before starting the pill for IVF it was really nice to not have to think about appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. Hey, for most of the vacation I did not even know what cycle day it was!!! For the first time in a long time I really tried to put it out of my mind.

I was feeling in this new and improved state of mind all weekend and as I drove to work this morning. About 20 minutes into my shift as I am gathering stuff for the day I run into this woman I work with who has 2 daughters that I am friends with. Daughter #1 I will call Jen. I see and talk to her quite often. Daughter #2 I will call Laura. She was just married in April and she and her husband were transferred out of the country a few months before the wedding so I do not talk to her as much. However, I did know she was going to start trying to get pregnant ASAP after the wedding. So this is the conversation I had this morning:

Her: "I have some bitter sweet news"
Me: "Oh? What?"
Her: "Laura is pregnant"
Me: "Great! Why is it bittersweet?"
Her: "Well, because of what you are going through"
Me: (Take deep breath and try to take attention off me) "When is she due?"
Her: "She has an ultrasound today. She thinks she is 11 weeks, that maybe she got pregnant on her honeymoon"
Me: (sinking sad feeling as I think about 25+ failed attempts and upcoming IVF) "Wow!"
Her: "Yes, Jen was afraid to tell you, she said she felt so bad so I said I would tell you"
Me: (thinking about how if there is one thing about infertility that I cannot stand is my friends feeling "bad" for me) "Don't be silly"
Her: "Yes, I guess she is just fertile myrtle like her mother, she just thinks about getting pregnant and the next day it happens!!"

Well yipee.

I think I walked away at that point. But poof, there went my happy vacation feelings. Sometimes I really hate people.

Friday, July 08, 2005

TGIF

Even more so than usual, I am very glad it is Friday. My first week of summer vacation has officially started. We are leaving for the beach tomorrow morning. We will be spending the week with my family (parents, brothers, sister, cousins, their kids, aunt, uncle and grandmother). I am looking forward to just hanging out, sleeping late, eating a lot, playing games (I am very excited to have just purchased Deluxe Scrabble- rotating gameboard, that's what I'm talkin about) and reading one of the four new books I picked up on my way home from work. This is my first week of vacation since January, and I usually do not go this long without vacation time, but we renovated our kitchen this spring so it was a little hard to just pick up and go anywhere. We did not have the money anyway, between the kitchen and the IUI's which are now a distant memory. One of the books I just bought was "The Devil wears Prada" (I know, it is old, but I did not read it when it first came out). I think the Devil wears progesterone suppositories, because I swear those things are from hell. That is one huge reason I am glad to be finished with IUI's right now. I am currently on day 14 of a natural cycle before I start my period again and start the pill to gear up for IVF in September. Notice I say "before I start my period" b/c although we will certainly be trying this month I do not anticipate the outcome to be any different than the past 26 (or maybe 27, hey who is counting?) cycles.

Oh, a quick story about my vacation in January. We went on a Caribbean cruise with my husband's family. I had been really looking forward to it. We flew out of Philadelphia, perhaps the worst airport in the universe. We arrive in Miami, all ready to hop on the bus to take us to the ship. Oh, except I did not get my luggage. It never showed from Philly. I was pissed, but semi-willing to be a good sport, even though our ship was departing about 2 hours later and I knew it would never make it. But USAir promised it would make it to the next port. Except it did not. Or the next one either. So many phone calls later (which took about an hour of being on hold each call) I figure out that USAir is really not sure where it even is. As I sit and do a mental list of all of my cute summer clothes and sandals I may never see again I fall deeper and deeper into a sad state. I buy some stuff in Grand Cayman (not cheap) and thank God I had a small carry-on with a few things I could wear over and over again during the week. The cruise line said they would give me complimentary laundry service for the stuff I had. So I send it down. And it does not come back. And they call me and tell me it is lost. And I FREAK OUT. If my in-laws heard me they would not have believed it (my family would believe it, but my in-laws are a bit more proper). But somehow, the laundry returns (perhaps my freak out encouraged them to look harder). So I make it through the week, trying really hard to be a good sport and not ruin everyone else's trip. We return home, I am convinced it is gone forever, and a couple of nights later the phone rings at about 3 am. Weird voice on other end says "your luggage is in the bushes outside of your porch". I am completely disoriented, because it is 3 am, but I run outside in the freezing cold and there it is, in the bushes. Why it is in the bushes, I have no idea. But everything was there.

I swear this is a true story. I hope this vacation goes a little smoother. Have a good week!!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Infertility is ruining my social life

I used to consider myself a fun person to be around. Lately I am not so sure. I am in a strange position in my life right now. I have a group of single girlfriends who love to have a good time and go out quite often. I have a group of married girlfriends who now all have kids (most have at least 2- one is pregnant with #2, one is pregnant with #3). All of these friends know I have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. None of them know about the IUIs or the upcoming IVF. I know all of them would be supportive but I also know (and it is not their fault) that none of them can possibly REALLY understand what going through all of this feels like. I am not about to try to explain it to them.

Around my party girlfriends I find myself thinking "this is not what I really want to be doing". Around my married friends I find myself getting incredibly bummed because they spend a lot of time talking about their kids/pregnancies/parenting issues, and I zone out and start thinking about the fact that the only thing I am responsible for caring for right now are my pots of geraniums. But no one knows I feel this way, because I never say anything.

So I am wondering if time goes on if I am just going to end up living in my pajamas under my covers with many back issues of US weekly gathering next to my bed or if I am going to accept whatever outcome life brings and just learn to deal.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I should be pregnant by now.........

or at least that is what I am told. After reading other blogs for a couple of months have decided to start my own. A brief history of me- I am 29, I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I stopped taking the pill May 2003 and went through the next year thinking if I was to get pregnant it would be great and if not that was ok too because I was "in no rush". By spring 2004 I was starting to wonder what was going on and was sent to an RE. Fast forward to July 2005- after one HSG, a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy, many ultrasounds, four clomid/IUI cycles, a couple of semen analyses, oh- and what the heck a few thousand bucks, I have been told there is really nothing in particular wrong. After my third "perfect" negative IUI I sat with my Dr. as she reviewed my chart and said "there is no reason why you should not be pregnant by now". No reason, except that after 2 years I have not once seen that double line, and I am wondering if such a thing really exists. So here I am getting ready to start IVF and wondering how it ever came to this. Someone recently told me one day I will look back on all of this and not believe I made it through. I am just wondering when that day is going to come.