Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I don't want to work

I do not know what is wrong with me lately, but work is really driving me up a wall. I have vacation next week and do not go back until after Labor Day, and I swear it cannot come fast enough. I just need to be away from there for an extended period of time- I guess that is how you know it is time for vacation.

My appointment was moved to next Wednesday so hopefully by next week I will know more about what is going on with the cyst- I am very nervous but trying to remain calm. Otherwise feeling so/so, it all depends on the time of day. I think I have sundowner's morning sickness b/c it really only shows up in the evening. My husband has the patience of a saint to deal with my weird dinner requests and the fact that I can ask for food and suddenly be completely disgusted by it. Despite my inability to eat a whole lot in the evening I swear my clothes are starting to feel tight across my hips. I tried on a pair of the new "curvy" cut jeans in the Gap in my size and lets just say it was scary. Something about me- I do not have a whole lot going on up top (and I do not think they have grown an inch, by the way) but when it comes to the bottom I am definitely "curvy". I guess I should be very glad that butts are in style.

Monday, August 22, 2005

so far so good

I guess it has been awhile since my last post. The days seem like they are going by fast. Probably because once I get home from work I spend the rest of the night feeling very nauseous and have a hard time getting up from the couch. I do not really have morning sickness but I definitely have evening sickness. Sometimes I throw up, sometimes I don't. Over the weekend I started feeling kind of crampy which concerned me, so I called the office this morning to let them know and even though I was supposed to go in Wednesday and they said it would be fine to wait they bumped me up until today. The appointment went fine, all looked good and I did not feel crampy anymore anyway, but I guess it was good for my peace of mind. I felt really good knowing all was well and having the pictures that are really starting to resemble human form!!

About 2 hours after I got home the nurse practitioner called me just to talk about scheduling my next appointment. While we were on the phone she nonchalantly mentions when she was doing the scan she is "pretty positive" she noticed a small cyst on the umbilical cord. She said there was no reason to worry, it would probably resolve itself b/c I am so early blah, blah, blah. Now why she did not mention this while I was there I have NO idea. Then she says if it does not go away they can refer me on to maternal-fetal medicine b/c she know how anxious I am. So I half joking ask "Am I really that anxious?" and she kind of hesitated and said- "well, you are definitely on the higher end of the scale".

Ok- what the eff is that all about? In my opinion I have been pretty damn cool and collected throughout this whole process. When I was spotting and found out one sac did not make it I thought I was totally fine- did not freak out- otherwise I have hardly even asked many questions except if it is REALLY necessary to use progesterone 3 times a day. Now she tells me about this cyst, which like an idiot I google and learn it could indicate other fetal abnormalities. So of course part of me wants to spaz but part of me figures if it goes away on it's own I would not even know about it if I was not getting scans so early, just like I would have never known about the other sac.

Which brings me to the conclusion that even though I am going to stick with this office through my first trimester I have very mixed feelings about these constant visits and scans. If I was just going to my ob/gyn I would not even go until September and I would not have an ultrasound until 18 weeks and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it would be best for me to be blissfully unaware of extra sacs and cysts and anything else that could come along. That being said my next appointment is next Wednesday so I hopefully there will be no new worrisome details.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

lazy summer

We returned from Florida earlier this week. Disney was fun- but man was it HOT. I guess it was as hot there as it is here now. I would not really know though, except for the weather reports and my husband telling me it is hot because I have not left the house since getting home from work yesterday. I have read my book, read my new People magazine and watched TV and pretty much have not been off the couch except to go to the bathroom. I am not exactly proud of my laziness but I really cannot think of much else to do. Going to the beach is out of the question because I cannot sit around in sweltering heat although I do miss our beach house friends.

Otherwise things seem to be moving along. I am 7 weeks today, and in general feel good except for queasiness mainly in the evening which is not so fun. Yesterday I had it in the morning and I had to leave the room at work because I thought I was going to toss my cookies. That was the first time I really thought I might throw up. I do not know if the fatigue people talk about is coming but as of now that is not really an issue.

One thing that is an issue, not to be gross but my God I am so bloated and gassy. Is this NORMAL??? I wake up at night with pains in my stomach. I do not know if it is the vitamins or the progesterone or what is going on but that is by far the worst thing right now. My stomach feels like it is going to pop. Too much info, I know, but I do not know what to do.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The happiest place on earth

As I mentioned before, I have spent the last few days in a constant state of silent panic. Tuesday night I was out to dinner with some girlfriends. These are my "mom" girlfriends- the ones I have listened to talk about pregnancies and kids and all things related for the past two years. Even though it is very early I had planned on telling them that night- I knew how happy they would be for me. But when we were sitting at the table, I realized I still feel like an outsider in their world. All this time I have been my own silent cheerleader during all of our get-togethers, and I am still in that mindset. Every time a new pregnancy was announced I would swallow the lump in my throat, put on a happy face and tell them it was great and myself it was OK- my day would come. And now it seems it has come and I cannot allow myself to be happy about it, and I wish I could. I did not tell them that night. I could not bring myself to let the words pass my lips. It is like it is still not real. Perhaps the my next ultrasound on Tuesday will snap me into reality.

One thing that will be taking my mind off of unhappy thoughts is a trip to Disney World, which is where we are headed tomorrow. One of my brothers lives in Florida and my sister, brother, husband and I are all flying there in the morning. We did it a couple of years ago and had a great time. I will not be able to ride any of the big rides so I do not know what I will do while they stand on line- I guess melt away in 95 degree heat. We planned it in the beginning of the summer and I would have never guessed I would be pregnant on the trip (hey- I said it!).
I am looking forward to it though. Better go pack.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Long way to go

I realized today what a long road I still have to go down over the next 9 months. I do not know at what point I will feel secure that everything is going to be ok- probably never. I started spotting a small amount at work today. Called my Doctor's office- and after 2 hours of waiting the nurse practitioner called me back. I went in for a quick scan. It seems one of the sacs is progressing as it should, the other is not. It is most likely just going to kind of collapse into itself, at least that is what I was told.

Now do not get me wrong- I am SO GRATEFUL and SO RELIEVED that one embryo is doing well. Because it is so early I had prepared myself for the possibility of things not working out. But after the ultrasound, just knowing that the one is not going to make it just made it a reality that this whole thing could just come to an end at any given moment. I have this sick feeling in my stomach and I do not know how to make it go away. I am just praying that everything works out.