Thursday, August 04, 2005

The happiest place on earth

As I mentioned before, I have spent the last few days in a constant state of silent panic. Tuesday night I was out to dinner with some girlfriends. These are my "mom" girlfriends- the ones I have listened to talk about pregnancies and kids and all things related for the past two years. Even though it is very early I had planned on telling them that night- I knew how happy they would be for me. But when we were sitting at the table, I realized I still feel like an outsider in their world. All this time I have been my own silent cheerleader during all of our get-togethers, and I am still in that mindset. Every time a new pregnancy was announced I would swallow the lump in my throat, put on a happy face and tell them it was great and myself it was OK- my day would come. And now it seems it has come and I cannot allow myself to be happy about it, and I wish I could. I did not tell them that night. I could not bring myself to let the words pass my lips. It is like it is still not real. Perhaps the my next ultrasound on Tuesday will snap me into reality.

One thing that will be taking my mind off of unhappy thoughts is a trip to Disney World, which is where we are headed tomorrow. One of my brothers lives in Florida and my sister, brother, husband and I are all flying there in the morning. We did it a couple of years ago and had a great time. I will not be able to ride any of the big rides so I do not know what I will do while they stand on line- I guess melt away in 95 degree heat. We planned it in the beginning of the summer and I would have never guessed I would be pregnant on the trip (hey- I said it!).
I am looking forward to it though. Better go pack.

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