I Should be Pregnant by Now

An update

2006-05-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Things sure have changed since the last time I posted. Yes, I had the baby- a girl, Grace Elizabeth, on March 23 at 4:56 pm. She was 7 lbs., 15 oz. I was induced at almost 39 weeks because I had mild hypertension. The birth went well, no complications. My epidural wore off so there were a couple of hours that were not too fun, and the pushing was, without a doubt, the most physically challenging thing I have ever done. I am the type of person who gives up and sits down when a workout gets hard- but in this case there was no giving up. I pushed for an hour and a half which I guess is not too bad.

So when it was all over I had my baby. And a coke. Because man, was I thirsty. I felt like I had walked through the desert, my mouth was so dry- I was actually thinking (no, fantasizing) about a huge soda with ice while I was pushing.
She will be six weeks old tomorrow, and it has been a whirlwind. She is adorable and hard to resist even though she cries EVERY TIME I put her down.

In 6 weeks I have-
- stopped breast feeding (not working out)
-tried 2 different formulas
- called the Dr. quite a few times (at any hour of day, night and ridiculously early in the morning) to ask various questions
- MAYBE had 5 full hours of sleep since the night I went into the hospital
- tried to figure out how to get her and myself ready to leave the house in less time than 2 hours (still working on it)
- tried to master the art of grocery/Target/Costco shopping with car seat thingy
in cart
- wondered countless times how people do this with more than one child
- watched my house be taken over by baby equipment to the point it looks like mini babies-r-us in my living room
- realized I do not miss my job AT ALL
- been very thankful I have been given the opportunity to do all of the above

Two months

2006-03-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

That is how much time has gone by since my last post. Do not know why I am so bad about keeping up with this, because I enjoy reading everyone's posts and seeing what is going on with everyone else.

I will be 36 weeks on Saturday. I really still feel like the whole idea of being pregnant is still sinking in, even with an aching back, sore knees and a foot kicking me in the ribs. My "official" last day of work is Friday, March 24th if I make it that far, and I think I will really be ready when that time comes. Being a nurse I spend most of the day on my feet and it has gotten a bit tough to lug the extra weight around. My level of patience is at lowest possible capacity and I find myself having to take a deep breath when I really want to go off on someone. Then I usually end up coming home and taking out my frustrations on my poor (understanding) husband.

I have pretty much had an uneventful pregnancy and I am grateful for that. One trip to triage at about 27 weeks for contractions but they chalked it up to dehydration and sent me home to rest for a day. I have not really had a contraction since and I am kind of wondering if I should be feeling them more now.

I made it through most months without any major cravings and within the past couple of weeks I am all about anything COLD, FRUITY and SWEET. Juice, popsicles, water ice (and ice cream and anything chocolate can be substituted). Tums are my new food group, and I think I like eating them a little more than I should. Oh well, at least the baby is getting her calcium requirement.

Happy New Year

2006-01-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

Once again it has been a very long time since my last post. December was crazy with the holidays but a nice way to break up the everyday routine. All seems to be going well (knock on wood) as I get ready to reach the 28 week mark. I just cut my work hours from 4 ten hour days to 5 eight hour days which is making life a little easier. I miss having a day off during the week but getting finished earlier in the afternoon makes it worth it. I do not know if I have talked about it before but I am an operating room nurse so I spend most of my time at work on my feet so the long days were starting to feel a little too long.

We are trying to do more to prepare now that the holidays are over- getting the room ready, etc. My Dad is scheduled to have heart surgery in a couple of weeks and I am very worried about him but I hope all goes well and that he is well into his recovery by the time the baby arrives.

Hope the new year is treating all of you well so far!

Checking in

2005-11-12T00:14:00.001-08:00

Well, over a month has gone by since my last post. The days go by way too fast. It is almost 3 am at the moment and I am out of bed with some had-to-have-Mexican-food-for-dinner-now-have-major-indigestion insomnia. Just a quick run down of anything that may have happened since my last post:

1. We went to Florida for our last little vacation "alone". It was fun and HOT.

2. We had new windows installed in our house. Expensive but worth it, windows start to look a bit crappy when the house is over 60 years old.

3. We had our Halloween party which was a success- I did a "best costume" contest for a small prize and people seemed to like it- I will do that again next year. We were Kevin and Britney. I think I looked lame but my husband looked funny.

4. I have been feeling great with the exception of some lower back pain.

5. I am not usually too tired during the day but it is not unusual for me to go to bed at 7:30.

6. I have spent quite a bit of $$ on maternity clothes b/c I hate feeling like I have nothing to wear.

7. I turned 30.

8. We found out the baby is a girl.

9. #8 totally makes the lower back pain worth it.

10. Today I am 20 weeks and everyday that passes just makes me so grateful.

Just an update

2005-09-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post. I did not really mean for it to be so long it just kind of happened. In the beginning of the month I was definitely having some rough days, feeling very sick. I know that I was miserable but now that it has pretty much passed I have kind of forgotten about it. I had my last ultrasound at my RE's office a couple of weeks ago and everything looked ok. I could not believe what a huge change it was from the first ultrasound (when there 2 sacs) to see fingers, toes and movement.

Otherwise I am glad it is fall- one month until Halloween, which is one of my favorite holidays. Years ago, before I even started dating my husband and lived with roommates, we had a Halloween Party for everyone to come to before going to this big bar crawl in our town. My husband showed up with some friends (dressed as a priest) and soon after that we started dating. Through the years I continued having the party and have accumulated tons of Halloween decorations and it has become kind of a tradition- I feel obligated to have it. Plus, I do not know what I would do with all of my Halloween stuff if I didn't! My birthday is also less than a week after Halloween so growing up I had a lot of costume birthday parties -so how can I break the tradition now?

This year is a big birthday for me (30). I am kind of dreading leaving my 20's and I am not really sure why. I guess b/c there is all this hype with the "milestone" birthdays. I guess I should just be grateful that it will probably not turn out like my 21st birthday, with me puking in a parking lot at some bar on campus and feeling like death for 2 days after. I think it is safe to say this year will be a little more low key.

vacation

2005-09-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

I have been off work for almost a week now. Being away from work has been great, but I have not been able to do very much because the nausea really picked up for a few days. I changed my vitamins and that has helped a bit. My Dr. told me I could take 2 flintstones vitamins and I feel like a kid- I actually like taking them! They are like fruity candy- it is hard to stop at just 2. Wow, I am becoming pretty pathetic.
I had a scan yesterday and all went well. It was a huge relief. The cord "cyst" seems to have disappeared, but someone different did the scan and did not even mention it so I asked her- she said she did not see anything and wondered if it was ever there. Nice. I will have 2 more appointments at that office and than my regular ob/gyn will take over. I do not know what I will do without my weekly scans- I will not have my pictures to line up on the fridge anymore. It is pretty neat to watch the progress each week. But it will make life a little easier to not have to keep going back to the office.
I have spent a lot of time over the past few days watching TV because I have not felt like going out too much. I feel very lazy but I guess the rest has been good. Watching a lot about the hurricane victims and the whole thing is just so sad. It is really heartbreaking. I hope people are able to get more help soon.

I don't want to work

2005-08-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I do not know what is wrong with me lately, but work is really driving me up a wall. I have vacation next week and do not go back until after Labor Day, and I swear it cannot come fast enough. I just need to be away from there for an extended period of time- I guess that is how you know it is time for vacation.

My appointment was moved to next Wednesday so hopefully by next week I will know more about what is going on with the cyst- I am very nervous but trying to remain calm. Otherwise feeling so/so, it all depends on the time of day. I think I have sundowner's morning sickness b/c it really only shows up in the evening. My husband has the patience of a saint to deal with my weird dinner requests and the fact that I can ask for food and suddenly be completely disgusted by it. Despite my inability to eat a whole lot in the evening I swear my clothes are starting to feel tight across my hips. I tried on a pair of the new "curvy" cut jeans in the Gap in my size and lets just say it was scary. Something about me- I do not have a whole lot going on up top (and I do not think they have grown an inch, by the way) but when it comes to the bottom I am definitely "curvy". I guess I should be very glad that butts are in style.

so far so good

2005-08-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

I guess it has been awhile since my last post. The days seem like they are going by fast. Probably because once I get home from work I spend the rest of the night feeling very nauseous and have a hard time getting up from the couch. I do not really have morning sickness but I definitely have evening sickness. Sometimes I throw up, sometimes I don't. Over the weekend I started feeling kind of crampy which concerned me, so I called the office this morning to let them know and even though I was supposed to go in Wednesday and they said it would be fine to wait they bumped me up until today. The appointment went fine, all looked good and I did not feel crampy anymore anyway, but I guess it was good for my peace of mind. I felt really good knowing all was well and having the pictures that are really starting to resemble human form!!

About 2 hours after I got home the nurse practitioner called me just to talk about scheduling my next appointment. While we were on the phone she nonchalantly mentions when she was doing the scan she is "pretty positive" she noticed a small cyst on the umbilical cord. She said there was no reason to worry, it would probably resolve itself b/c I am so early blah, blah, blah. Now why she did not mention this while I was there I have NO idea. Then she says if it does not go away they can refer me on to maternal-fetal medicine b/c she know how anxious I am. So I half joking ask "Am I really that anxious?" and she kind of hesitated and said- "well, you are definitely on the higher end of the scale".

Ok- what the eff is that all about? In my opinion I have been pretty damn cool and collected throughout this whole process. When I was spotting and found out one sac did not make it I thought I was totally fine- did not freak out- otherwise I have hardly even asked many questions except if it is REALLY necessary to use progesterone 3 times a day. Now she tells me about this cyst, which like an idiot I google and learn it could indicate other fetal abnormalities. So of course part of me wants to spaz but part of me figures if it goes away on it's own I would not even know about it if I was not getting scans so early, just like I would have never known about the other sac.

Which brings me to the conclusion that even though I am going to stick with this office through my first trimester I have very mixed feelings about these constant visits and scans. If I was just going to my ob/gyn I would not even go until September and I would not have an ultrasound until 18 weeks and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it would be best for me to be blissfully unaware of extra sacs and cysts and anything else that could come along. That being said my next appointment is next Wednesday so I hopefully there will be no new worrisome details.

lazy summer

2005-08-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

We returned from Florida earlier this week. Disney was fun- but man was it HOT. I guess it was as hot there as it is here now. I would not really know though, except for the weather reports and my husband telling me it is hot because I have not left the house since getting home from work yesterday. I have read my book, read my new People magazine and watched TV and pretty much have not been off the couch except to go to the bathroom. I am not exactly proud of my laziness but I really cannot think of much else to do. Going to the beach is out of the question because I cannot sit around in sweltering heat although I do miss our beach house friends.

Otherwise things seem to be moving along. I am 7 weeks today, and in general feel good except for queasiness mainly in the evening which is not so fun. Yesterday I had it in the morning and I had to leave the room at work because I thought I was going to toss my cookies. That was the first time I really thought I might throw up. I do not know if the fatigue people talk about is coming but as of now that is not really an issue.

One thing that is an issue, not to be gross but my God I am so bloated and gassy. Is this NORMAL??? I wake up at night with pains in my stomach. I do not know if it is the vitamins or the progesterone or what is going on but that is by far the worst thing right now. My stomach feels like it is going to pop. Too much info, I know, but I do not know what to do.

The happiest place on earth

2005-08-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, I have spent the last few days in a constant state of silent panic. Tuesday night I was out to dinner with some girlfriends. These are my "mom" girlfriends- the ones I have listened to talk about pregnancies and kids and all things related for the past two years. Even though it is very early I had planned on telling them that night- I knew how happy they would be for me. But when we were sitting at the table, I realized I still feel like an outsider in their world. All this time I have been my own silent cheerleader during all of our get-togethers, and I am still in that mindset. Every time a new pregnancy was announced I would swallow the lump in my throat, put on a happy face and tell them it was great and myself it was OK- my day would come. And now it seems it has come and I cannot allow myself to be happy about it, and I wish I could. I did not tell them that night. I could not bring myself to let the words pass my lips. It is like it is still not real. Perhaps the my next ultrasound on Tuesday will snap me into reality.

One thing that will be taking my mind off of unhappy thoughts is a trip to Disney World, which is where we are headed tomorrow. One of my brothers lives in Florida and my sister, brother, husband and I are all flying there in the morning. We did it a couple of years ago and had a great time. I will not be able to ride any of the big rides so I do not know what I will do while they stand on line- I guess melt away in 95 degree heat. We planned it in the beginning of the summer and I would have never guessed I would be pregnant on the trip (hey- I said it!).
I am looking forward to it though. Better go pack.

Long way to go

2005-08-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

I realized today what a long road I still have to go down over the next 9 months. I do not know at what point I will feel secure that everything is going to be ok- probably never. I started spotting a small amount at work today. Called my Doctor's office- and after 2 hours of waiting the nurse practitioner called me back. I went in for a quick scan. It seems one of the sacs is progressing as it should, the other is not. It is most likely just going to kind of collapse into itself, at least that is what I was told.

Now do not get me wrong- I am SO GRATEFUL and SO RELIEVED that one embryo is doing well. Because it is so early I had prepared myself for the possibility of things not working out. But after the ultrasound, just knowing that the one is not going to make it just made it a reality that this whole thing could just come to an end at any given moment. I have this sick feeling in my stomach and I do not know how to make it go away. I am just praying that everything works out.

the calm before the storm

2005-07-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow it will be a week since I learned I was pregnant. I am still having a hard time getting over the initial shock. I am so grateful to be in this moment, but I am also nervous. I am afraid to allow myself to get too excited for fear everything could come crashing down at any moment. I know it is very early but I told a handful of people. I was just excited last week and I could not help it. Everyone was so happy for me and it became pretty clear they have been waiting for this for a long time. I feel like that puts the pressure on even more to be nervous about stuff going wrong.

As of right now physically I feel- well, I feel absolutely fine. I might be eating my words in a couple of weeks. If I did not have the 5 positive tests lined up in the bathroom I do not know if I would believe I was pregnant. Sore boobs is about the only thing I really feel. I get tired in the afternoons but I have always been a big napper so I am used to feeling like I want to go to sleep around 3 o'clock. Just a bit hard to do that at work. In the upcoming weeks I have a feeling I will be looking for a corner to curl up in where no one can find me sleeping.

dazed and confused, part 2

2005-07-28T12:40:00.001-07:00

The ultrasound was today. I went alone, because my husband had a meeting that he could not miss. I did not really expect to see too much anyway. I actually for some reason did not think it was going to be a vaginal ultrasound. I was wrong, so I had another encounter with the magic wand. In it went, and I saw the sac immediately. And the other sac. Yes, there are 2 sacs.

For the second time in 4 days I was pretty much sent into a state of shock. I did not cry, I think I kinda laughed. The nurse practitioner must think I am a total goofball. I do not know what to say- I am floored. stunned. Completely unable to grasp the fact it is real. She said the Clomid does not stay in your system, but I swear I do not believe it- twins do not run on either side of the family. It is still so early, I am not even 5 weeks. I have another ultrasound next week. Hopefully by the time I post tomorrow I will have returned to earth.

dazed and confused

2005-07-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

I do not even really know where to begin with this post. Probably because I am indeed a little dazed and confused. Apparently, I am also pregnant. And I cannot quite figure out what to do with this information.

It kind of began Friday night. I wrote the post about trying to get things in order for IVF. I promised myself I would have a new attitude. I picked up my birth control pills Friday night from the pharmacy so I would have them when my period started. I waited for it to start- Saturday came and went, Sunday came and went. I did not mention to my husband that I was slightly late b/c I did not want him to get his hopes up and be disappointed when my period started. Sunday night, with boobs aching as I tried to sleep I thought to myself "what if?". But I quickly pushed that thought out of my head, following up with "yeah, right, you are DREAMING".

I woke up Monday morning, running late as usual. Part of me wanted to take the one test I had in my closet but part of me did not want to see that one line. But I figured "it is what it is, it is not going to change anything to test so I might as well know". So I peed on the stick. And I immediately got in the shower because I did not have the time to waste waiting for it to read. My husband was still asleep and did not know I was testing. In the shower I thought "what if- how would I tell him? Will I wake him up slowly and announce it?" Once again I thought "you idiot, it is NOT going to be positive". I got out of the shower. I walked over to the sink. I looked down (close, because I did not have my contacts in). And there it was- the never-before-seen-second line.

I pretty much freaked. I think I went into shock for a second. I busted out of the bathroom, I think I was completely naked but I do not remember and I started screaming and crying, and my husband woke up confused, but I showed him the test and he was yelling too. I was so excited but I immediately had to start getting ready for work because I was already late. I was completely out of sorts, I could not remember my morning routine- "do I put on make-up? lotion? I don't know!"

It is still so early- I now anything could happen. My RE is still going to follow me even though it was a natural cycle - my beta Monday was 1300 and today it was 3400. I was not taking vitamins this month because I had absolutely no expectation of getting pregnant. I drank many a cocktail at the beach last weekend. If all goes well I guess that will be the last one I have for awhile. It definitely does not feel real. Ultrasound tomorrow. I will keep you posted.

Another week

2005-07-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

I am amazed that it is already July 22nd. I cannot believe the summer is more then halfway over. I also cannot believe I will be starting IVF in a few weeks. I am scheduled to start a cycle that begins September 2nd. I am currently waiting to start my period so I can start the pill. Today was day 28 and I am surprised I did not start but I am probably a little off after the clomid. I am usually like clockwork but I have no doubt it is coming- I am sure it will show up tomorrow to make for a fun weekend. I have been trying to get some things in order- phone calls to the insurance companies, etc. My husband's insurance will pay for a portion of IVf but most of the money will be gone after the first cycle. I have my own insurance which has no benefit for infertility so there is a lot of red tape involved with bypassing my insurance. Nothing I love to do more on my time off than sit on the phone with insurance companies.

I also decided to go part time at my job at the end of August. That was a really hard decision. I have always worked full time and want to continue working full time but I thought going part time would allow more flexibility for appointments, monitoring, etc. I just want to do everything possible to decrease stress for this process. Funny that I am going part time now when I could use the money the most. I made my first acupuncture appointment for next week. My RE really stresses eating well which I am trying to be better about. I would love to lose 10 pounds before all of this begins. I am so nervous about the IVF and I feel like my life is in a holding pattern between now and September. Part of me would like to get excited about it but I cannot allow myself to get excited for fear of massive disappointment.

I hope I do not regret this

2005-07-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

After yesterday morning's ruination of my happy mood I was feeling pretty bitter. I was pissed at my co-worker and I was pissed at her daughter (Jen) who was "afraid" to tell me about her sister's pregnancy. I was also pissed at a handful of mutual friends that her daughter and I share who also could have told me about this pregnancy but probably did not for the same reason. It bugs the crap out of me that all of my friends are walking on eggshells around me. I do not even know what I really expect out of these people- I guess they are doing it to be considerate, and then it pisses me off even more. I am just really hard to please. I ended up writing Jen a semi-cold email informing her that I knew about the pregnancy and there was no reason to feel awkward. As of last night I promised myself I would not discuss even one topic related to pregnancy with anyone except my husband (oh, and all of you of course) b/c none of them understand and why should I have to answer their questions and why should they be a part of my disappointment and I am evil and rambling so I will stop now. My poor friends.

So anyway, I run into co-worker grandmother-to-be at work again today and she said "I talked to Laura and she is praying for you". I guess suddenly the prayers of pregnant women will solve my problems. Actually, I take that back, for some reason her saying this made me feel better.
These people actually do care about me and deep down I know that. In the meantime I get a response to my email which was very nice. She had some encouraging words, admitted she could not give advice and offered to listen if I just wanted to talk. So I began to feel a warm fuzziness that melted my ice cold heart and caused me to break down and talk to 2 different friends tonight about the possibility of IVF, although I did not give any specifics about when it would be starting (September) or that it was definite even though in my mind it pretty much is.
I just hope 2 months from now I do not wind up wishing I never said anything.

Otherwise I am getting a nice eruption of zits on my chin and my pants are tight because I am eating non-stop. Cycle day 28 is just 4 days away. Like clockwork 28 is the magic number. Let the countdown begin........

It was good while it lasted

2005-07-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back from vacation. I have to say it was an excellent time. Good weather, slept late, sat on the beach everyday, read a book, saw a movie, went to the boardwalk, rode the roller coaster and ferris wheel, played mini golf, ate soft serve ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, and did any other cheesy beachy activity you can imagine. But I had fun, and b/c I am in the middle of a "natural" cycle before starting the pill for IVF it was really nice to not have to think about appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. Hey, for most of the vacation I did not even know what cycle day it was!!! For the first time in a long time I really tried to put it out of my mind.

I was feeling in this new and improved state of mind all weekend and as I drove to work this morning. About 20 minutes into my shift as I am gathering stuff for the day I run into this woman I work with who has 2 daughters that I am friends with. Daughter #1 I will call Jen. I see and talk to her quite often. Daughter #2 I will call Laura. She was just married in April and she and her husband were transferred out of the country a few months before the wedding so I do not talk to her as much. However, I did know she was going to start trying to get pregnant ASAP after the wedding. So this is the conversation I had this morning:

Her: "I have some bitter sweet news"
Me: "Oh? What?"
Her: "Laura is pregnant"
Me: "Great! Why is it bittersweet?"
Her: "Well, because of what you are going through"
Me: (Take deep breath and try to take attention off me) "When is she due?"
Her: "She has an ultrasound today. She thinks she is 11 weeks, that maybe she got pregnant on her honeymoon"
Me: (sinking sad feeling as I think about 25+ failed attempts and upcoming IVF) "Wow!"
Her: "Yes, Jen was afraid to tell you, she said she felt so bad so I said I would tell you"
Me: (thinking about how if there is one thing about infertility that I cannot stand is my friends feeling "bad" for me) "Don't be silly"
Her: "Yes, I guess she is just fertile myrtle like her mother, she just thinks about getting pregnant and the next day it happens!!"

Well yipee.

I think I walked away at that point. But poof, there went my happy vacation feelings. Sometimes I really hate people.

TGIF

2005-07-08T16:39:00.000-07:00

Even more so than usual, I am very glad it is Friday. My first week of summer vacation has officially started. We are leaving for the beach tomorrow morning. We will be spending the week with my family (parents, brothers, sister, cousins, their kids, aunt, uncle and grandmother). I am looking forward to just hanging out, sleeping late, eating a lot, playing games (I am very excited to have just purchased Deluxe Scrabble- rotating gameboard, that's what I'm talkin about) and reading one of the four new books I picked up on my way home from work. This is my first week of vacation since January, and I usually do not go this long without vacation time, but we renovated our kitchen this spring so it was a little hard to just pick up and go anywhere. We did not have the money anyway, between the kitchen and the IUI's which are now a distant memory. One of the books I just bought was "The Devil wears Prada" (I know, it is old, but I did not read it when it first came out). I think the Devil wears progesterone suppositories, because I swear those things are from hell. That is one huge reason I am glad to be finished with IUI's right now. I am currently on day 14 of a natural cycle before I start my period again and start the pill to gear up for IVF in September. Notice I say "before I start my period" b/c although we will certainly be trying this month I do not anticipate the outcome to be any different than the past 26 (or maybe 27, hey who is counting?) cycles.

Oh, a quick story about my vacation in January. We went on a Caribbean cruise with my husband's family. I had been really looking forward to it. We flew out of Philadelphia, perhaps the worst airport in the universe. We arrive in Miami, all ready to hop on the bus to take us to the ship. Oh, except I did not get my luggage. It never showed from Philly. I was pissed, but semi-willing to be a good sport, even though our ship was departing about 2 hours later and I knew it would never make it. But USAir promised it would make it to the next port. Except it did not. Or the next one either. So many phone calls later (which took about an hour of being on hold each call) I figure out that USAir is really not sure where it even is. As I sit and do a mental list of all of my cute summer clothes and sandals I may never see again I fall deeper and deeper into a sad state. I buy some stuff in Grand Cayman (not cheap) and thank God I had a small carry-on with a few things I could wear over and over again during the week. The cruise line said they would give me complimentary laundry service for the stuff I had. So I send it down. And it does not come back. And they call me and tell me it is lost. And I FREAK OUT. If my in-laws heard me they would not have believed it (my family would believe it, but my in-laws are a bit more proper). But somehow, the laundry returns (perhaps my freak out encouraged them to look harder). So I make it through the week, trying really hard to be a good sport and not ruin everyone else's trip. We return home, I am convinced it is gone forever, and a couple of nights later the phone rings at about 3 am. Weird voice on other end says "your luggage is in the bushes outside of your porch". I am completely disoriented, because it is 3 am, but I run outside in the freezing cold and there it is, in the bushes. Why it is in the bushes, I have no idea. But everything was there.

I swear this is a true story. I hope this vacation goes a little smoother. Have a good week!!

Infertility is ruining my social life

2005-07-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

I used to consider myself a fun person to be around. Lately I am not so sure. I am in a strange position in my life right now. I have a group of single girlfriends who love to have a good time and go out quite often. I have a group of married girlfriends who now all have kids (most have at least 2- one is pregnant with #2, one is pregnant with #3). All of these friends know I have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. None of them know about the IUIs or the upcoming IVF. I know all of them would be supportive but I also know (and it is not their fault) that none of them can possibly REALLY understand what going through all of this feels like. I am not about to try to explain it to them.

Around my party girlfriends I find myself thinking "this is not what I really want to be doing". Around my married friends I find myself getting incredibly bummed because they spend a lot of time talking about their kids/pregnancies/parenting issues, and I zone out and start thinking about the fact that the only thing I am responsible for caring for right now are my pots of geraniums. But no one knows I feel this way, because I never say anything.

So I am wondering if time goes on if I am just going to end up living in my pajamas under my covers with many back issues of US weekly gathering next to my bed or if I am going to accept whatever outcome life brings and just learn to deal.

I should be pregnant by now.........

2005-07-05T17:59:00.000-07:00

or at least that is what I am told. After reading other blogs for a couple of months have decided to start my own. A brief history of me- I am 29, I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I stopped taking the pill May 2003 and went through the next year thinking if I was to get pregnant it would be great and if not that was ok too because I was "in no rush". By spring 2004 I was starting to wonder what was going on and was sent to an RE. Fast forward to July 2005- after one HSG, a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy, many ultrasounds, four clomid/IUI cycles, a couple of semen analyses, oh- and what the heck a few thousand bucks, I have been told there is really nothing in particular wrong. After my third "perfect" negative IUI I sat with my Dr. as she reviewed my chart and said "there is no reason why you should not be pregnant by now". No reason, except that after 2 years I have not once seen that double line, and I am wondering if such a thing really exists. So here I am getting ready to start IVF and wondering how it ever came to this. Someone recently told me one day I will look back on all of this and not believe I made it through. I am just wondering when that day is going to come.